My Memory

I have an amazing memory, and I remember things too well in some cases. I can vividly remember things from my fairly early childhood. Not just images, but more of videos. I can remember things with my family, that no one else can remember. Of course my short-term memory can be very iffy, and can just magically disappear, so i end up writing stuff down so I don't forget the important things.

I think my taste in movies, music, and television has a lot to do with my memory. I can remember hearing or watching things at important times in my life, and I have stuck with those things. Bands like Weezer and Barenaked Ladies remind me of happy times in my past, and have also helped shape my taste in music. I remember hearing Weezer's songs from the Blue Album on Casey Kasem's Top 40 when we were living in Austria. I am sure no one else from my family remembers that, but I happen to remember the specifics of that. I even remember hearing the song from That Thing You Do, also titled That Thing You Do, getting near the top of the charts.

My memory has made me a very nostalgic person. I still get nostalgic when I was Star Wars: A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back, we used to have them taped off of an HBO free weekend broadcast, which might have been celebrating the opening of Star Tours or something related to Disneyland. We didn't have the complete trilogy, I don't think we even had both of those two in their entirety, I think we had all of Empire Strikes Back, and then we had the ending of A New Hope. I never really saw the complete trilogy til later when they were re-realeased in special edition. This did not in fact, in any way, change my love for Star Wars. I think by waiting until I was old enough to truly appreciate them, it only made my love for Star Wars stronger.

The bad part about my memory is that I tend to associate things with certain people, then when that person crushes me, the things I have associated with them kind of get dropped for a while. I know that sounds weird, but because my memory links them together so strongly, I have to take some time off from Bob Dylan, or Scrubs, or whatever other things happen to fall into this trap. I can't blame anyone but myself for this, but its not even something that I do voluntarily, it just happens.

I think the fact that I can look back and remember the misery that my depression brought to me in the past, it makes it easier to be proactive about finding ways to stop the depression from coming back. I don't ever want to go back there, I still remember exactly how it felt, and I need to work hard to avoid falling back into that pit.

My memory is what makes me so good at trivia, I can just recall random things. There are certain parts of trivia that involve logic, and if you don't know the answer you can work it out. I can recall random moments from The Simpsons without even trying. This actually came in handy during trivia a few months ago. The question was which former Beatle make an appearance in the Simpsons episode with Homer's Babershop Quartet? The answer of course was George Harrison, but  we were the only group to get that right, and I knew the answer right way. What a nerd I am.

My memory has been great to me for the most part, but every once in a while it will throw me a curveball, recently it has gotten me to think about the girl that I dated back in October of last year, I have not seen or heard from her in a long time, yet suddenly I was thinking about her again. My brain has done a great job of idealizing her. Don't get me wrong she was awesome and I enjoyed just about every second with her, and even if she was right for me, I was not right for her. She was looking for someone she could get drunk at the bar with, never once did she even try to include me in this, she just ruled me out. Well maybe I would have enjoyed going out and shooting pool, but I guess we will never know. She had a lot of growing to do within herself, and she was not ready to do that. I did not intend to write much about this girl, but my mind has nonetheless brought me to it.

She loved to talk the talk, but when it came down to it she could not walk the walk. I hate being verbally led on, it is my least favorite thing to have happen in a relationship. I want someone to be honest with me. She was the one that was talking about our future and stuff like that then, less than a week later, she decided to end things. On a Monday she left me a love note taped to my door, and on a Saturday she stopped by to use my restroom and dump me, out of no where. I didn't know that communication could be that hard for someone. Nor that someone could have a change of heart that fast. I really need to stop idealizing this girl. I highly doubt that I will ever see her again, and even if I did, that she would have any interest in me. I also highly doubt that I would be able to trust a word that she says. I guess without any current crush in my life, I have nothing else for my mind to fantasize about it just defaults back to her, which is shitty.

It also is rough because I am avoiding trying to meet anyone new while i am working on myself so I may be stuck in my current state of being. I guess I need to find a way to accept it and also to move on, but i can only tackle so many things at once. I think losing weight should take priority over everything else right now. I will work on other things while I can.